Harmonica
by Angel Spit
Summary: A late night brooding leaves Matt in a better position about who he is. Taito. Sap fest. :)


Angel Spit: Hi everyone! This is just a quick taito I wrote while listening to the Red Hot Chilie Peppers' "Love Rollercoaster".   
  
Matt: Hn. I can sing a lot better than them.  
  
*Tai and Angel Spit sweatdrop.*  
  
Angel Spit: I don't think you realise how much you just sounded like Heero.  
  
*Duo's head pop's into the scene*  
  
Duo: Oi! Don't knock my koi.  
  
*Angel Spit rolls her eyes* Anyway, it's written from Matt's POV, and I hope you like it.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I'm sitting here again. Alone. Thinking about how I got myself into this mess. Gabumon is the only one that knows about it, and even he doesn't know half of the stuff I'm going through.   
  
I know that everyone thinks that I'm selfish and cruel. How can I tell them that I'm so full of self reproachment and pain that it hurts to even be there with them in the Digiworld.  
  
But I don't say anything. I just suffer quietly.  
  
I raise my hands to my cheek, surprised to find a moist patch amongst the night cooled skin. I had thought that when my parents went their separate ways I had cried all of my tears, but I guess I was wrong.  
  
There are times I just want to end it all, to find something sharp and die with the burden of pain that I've lived so long with. I'm eleven years old, and already I'm thinking like a sixteen-year-old. Every night I do this. I sit by myself and wonder about where I went wrong and what the hell I did to deserve all this misery.  
  
I sigh and reach into my pocket, taking out the worn harmonica. I know every nick and scratch on the old instrument, and so don't bother to admire it before I bring it's near splintered body to my lips.  
  
They don't realise how hard it is for me to play, now. I have to play slowly, lest my lips become torn and ragged on the rough edges of the harmonica. I know I should get rid of the piece of wood, but I can't. It's the only thing that links me back home. I can't even consider TK a link back.  
  
A soft melody starts to emerge. I know how little the others appreciate my music, so I keep it quiet for their sake. Just another reason why I just want to let go.  
  
But the real reason I haven't taken my own life? I'm scared. I don't know what lies after death, and I don't just want to disappear into nothingness. I'm not a naturally religious person, but I hope to god that there is something at the other end of the so-called white light.  
  
I hear a rustle from somewhere behind me, but ignore it. I don't care if the others spy on me, because in the end, they don't matter anyway.  
  
A soft thunk comes from my left side, and was mildly surprised to find Tai sitting there, looking out at the surroundings. The sound of the harmonica died on my lips, and I turn to look at the brunette who was always disturbing my peace.  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
Tai glances at me before looking back ahead.  
  
"Couldn't sleep. Too many things have happened ...and I...I don't know..."  
He shakes his head, as if frustrated that he couldn't find the right words to say what he wanted to say.  
  
"What about you? Are you to wired, or are you just a natural insomniac?"  
  
He turns to face me this time, his knees pulled to his chin.  
  
"I know that you do this every night. I know that you want to disappear...I know..."   
  
His words hang heavy in the air. My mask falterers under his gaze. How could he have known? I was so careful. Tai's head inclined to the side, indicating that he wanted a response.  
  
"I...um..."  
  
I tear myself away from his piercing eyes. There was just too much in them, and it hurt to look.  
  
"Matt? I...know how hard this...everything has been for you. If you need to talk, ever, I'm always here, and always will be."  
  
A tear falls from my lashes as I hug myself tighter. What was he telling me? That he cared? But...how could that be? No one cared!  
  
"You're just...saying that...I don't want...or need...your pity."  
  
The underlying bitterness in my words was not lost on the usually dense Tai.  
  
"What makes you think that my words are empty?"  
  
I choke back a tear. This was so hard. Why couldn't he just go?  
  
"You don't care...I know you don't...no one does..."  
  
A sharp intake of breath was the only sign I had that he heard, but I am too far gone now to notice. I just don't give a damn. He's just lying. Tai's soft voice forced me to focus.  
  
"You know that's not true. TK, Sora, Izzy, Ken and even the self absorbed Mimi all care about you. Not to mention the digimon. And don't give me all that crap about 'how could they possibly like me? I'm such a selfish asshole'."  
  
He knows me too well. I was just about to say something like that.  
  
" Matt, please, we all have problems. You can't lose your identity to memories. What's done is done, and whether you meant for the past to happen or not, it has. You have to move on."  
  
I chuckle softly.  
  
"Don't tell me the all mighty leader has problems."  
  
I have a feeling I'm getting in over my head, but ignore it because talking to Tai was surprisingly helpful. His glare almost makes me slip out of my good mood. Almost.  
  
"Aww, come on, you can tell me. I bet is has to do with a girl."  
  
I don't know what is going over me. One minute I'm depressed and thinking about suicide, the next I'm teasing the life out of what is looking to be a very pissed off Tai.  
  
"Oh, yeah. It's a girl. I'm trying to work out how to kill her without letting her digimon know."  
  
His growl made me laugh, and for a moment he stared at me as though I had grown two heads.  
  
"Matt...are you laughing?  
  
"No, I'm tying to see how long it takes you to change the subject onto something more interesting."  
  
I notice Tai's eyes widen momentarily, then he grins.  
  
"You know, that's the first funny thing you've said in at least a week."  
  
His smile falters a little.  
  
"Um...if it's not to personal...what's been going on with you? I mean, this isn't like you. You're not the suicidal type."  
  
Busted. I try to laugh it off.  
  
"Ahahahah, what makes you think that I'd do something like that?"  
  
"Only the fact that you've been hinting at it the past few days. Did you really think we wouldn't notice?"  
  
Score two for Tai. I really should have given him more credit. He's not as dense as he looks. I sigh.  
  
"So what if I was going to slit my wrists or something. It's not like my loss would be that huge of a burden for the group."  
  
I know I've gone too far. Tai's nostrils flare quickly, something that I had noticed a while ago during one of our many tiffs.   
  
"How dare you say that. You think that you're not worth anything? What about your brother? He's only eight, for gods sake! And Gabumon! How would he feel! And what about your parents?? Can you honestly sit there and assume that if you disappear that no one will notice? That we'll all just say 'Oh well' and continue on our merry way? It doesn't WORK like that, baka! If you leave now, the group will fall apart. You didn't get the friendship crest for nothing, you know."  
  
He stands up and glares at me. I can't think. All of my thoughts are circling rapidly in my head. What was Tai saying? Why was he saying this? Did HE actually care?  
  
I realise I spoke aloud when he sat back down, a defeated look on his face.  
  
"Matt, you mean more to me than anyone thinks, or knows for that matter. I don't even understand myself what I feel for you. Our friendship is so rocky that at times I wonder if you even like me at all."  
  
I smile slightly at him.  
  
"Of course I like you. I wouldn't be talking to you about this if I didn't, right?"  
  
He nodded slightly, but he was in his own world.  
  
" But there's this other feeling, like whenever I'm around you I get butterflies in my stomach, and whenever we fight it's like a million daggers in my heart." He turned to me. "Do you know what this means?"  
  
I shake my head, puzzled. Sure, I had felt those things too, but what were they to an eleven-year-old?  
  
"Matt, I...I think I like you like you."  
  
I don't think my eyes could have gotten any bigger at that comment. But I smiled slightly anyway.  
  
"Tai, can I say something? I think that there's a bond between us that's stronger than friendship, but I don't know whether or not it's love. Maybe...maybe we could try it? See if it is love?"  
  
I feel myself fill with happiness as his face beams.   
  
"Sure! I'd like that."  
  
I take his hand in my own, feeling the soft contours and lines, and smile as we watch the sunrise together.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Angel Spit: Well, that was my first Digimon fic. Pretty crappy, I'd say. It didn't really go where I wanted it to go.  
  
Matt: I am not depressed. *folds arms together*  
  
Tai: Suuure you're not, Yama. *smiles and winks at Matt*  
  
Angel Spit: Er, I think I'll leave those two to flirt. Caio!  



End file.
